The Latest

Mar 15, 2014

this is so hard. really really hard. i have made the decision to stay home from BYU idaho for this semester. there’s a boy i met there. he was my home teacher. i have thought about him all break long. everyday. he just posted something on Facebook about going out to school next month and i just felt a pang of hurt. i am going to miss stadium singing, and stake choir practices and hot cocoa and the awkward but long conversations we would have. the random encounters in the library. man it hurts. my heart hurts. i really want to go back. but i’m doing this to save money so i can go on my mission and have money for school in the first place. 

Mar 15, 2014

s looked so hot today smoking his cigarette. he is madly in love with me. i have kind of rejected him though. not because i’m not attracted to him, i am. but i’m protecting myself, i’m guarding my heart until i find the right man. and just because two people are attracted to each other doesn’t mean they should be in a relationship.

Feb 1, 2014 / 1 note

Oh weight.

freak. why is losing weight so hard? it’s just food! dang it. ugghhhh. 

the fact and the matter is.

FACT

i start work on monday. finally. i’ll finally have some structure and schedule to my life.

MATTER

i know i’ll be able to eat less while i’m working full time. as long as i don’t come home starving marvin and eat everything in plain sight.

why do i want to lose weight?

WELL

once upon a time i was in 7th grade and i realized that i hated my body. when i look at pictures though now from 7th grade i was extremely healthy and naturally thin. i was a cute 7th grader. but i did NOT see that at the time. i ate what i wanted and i was at the perfect weight. well 8th grade came along and so did braces. this was when i realized how hideous awkward and ugly i was. and i figured this is why i didn’t have any friends. so i became homeschooled. and so begins my eating disorder adventure.

i brainwashed myself my writing it over and over in my diary that i was only going to be pretty if i was thin. i pretty much stopped eating anything that was fried, sugary, processed. which was good. i lost a lot of weight. this went on for about two years. i was exercising, i was eating healthy but i was eating so little. and i still hated my body. i cried and i was depressed like all the time. i would cry for no reason. i was never skinny enough and food made me nervous. i had to eat at home all the time. i didn’t eat in front of my friends at church. i didn’t eat cake at birthdays. i didn’t eat candy. just my salads and egg whites. i wrote down everything i ate, calculated every calorie. i could go weeks eating just 800-1000 calories a day.

so 11th grade i was lonely at home being homeschooled so i went to high school. this was when i started realizing that my crazy little diet is insane and girls skinnier than me ate crap. it was such an awakening to me. i was sick of eating so healthy all the time and still hating myself. i couldn’t believe that this skinny pretty girl in my class would eat fritos and oreos and snack cakes during class and she was still so thin. 

my lowest weight when i first started eating healthy but still hating my body was 108, i’m 5’7.5”. so i was pretty thin. my weight fluctuated so much though. even when i was eating really healthy i would have binge days because my body was just crying out for more food because i was starving so much. a weight that i was able to maintain for a good while was 125. and that was a good weight. not too fat, not too skinny. and now i’m 142. i would like to get down to 130 or even less. i gained weight because i just felt like overcompensating for all the times i hadn’t eaten anything. i told myself to “just eat it” and i eventually came over all my fear foods like pies and cakes and cookies from stores which i used to be terrified of. now i’m unhappy because i’m heavier than i would like to be. even though my BMI is supposedly healthy range. i’ve always had body image issues. i really want to lose weight before i go on my mission. i don’t want to be a fat sister missionary. i know people look at me and probably remember when i used to be super skinny and think “gosh what happened?” and i want to shock everyone again by becoming really thin again. it’s just hard. because now i’m at a body weight where eating 1800-2000 calories is normal and if i want to lose weight i’m going to have to cut back down to 1000 or less a day and it’s just hard. i know how to lose weight. i’ve done it before. you just have to eat healthy, filling foods with fiber and healthy proteins and fats to keep you full. like oatmeal, egg whites and only one egg yolk per two egg whites, beans, quinoa, banana, avocado. stuff like that. it’s just harder now for some reason for me to go back to starving myself. like today i just felt hungry a lot but we don’t have like any food in our house so i just had a banana with peanut butter, then a peanut butter sandwich later, then an egg white omelet, then a chocolate bar I found, then another peanut butter sandwich then and atkins bar which was nasty so i threw the last bit away and then some popcorn tonight. ugh. i want so desperately to be thin like i used to!

Feb 1, 2014

family secrets

we are cleaning the house today. singing disney songs and cleaning. my brother just asked my mom, “when was the first time you kissed dad?” and my mom, flustered, said “i don’t know” and then got away. and i’m just realizing that the history of my parents is an absolute mystery to all five of us kids. we don’t know anything about their wedding, they never talk about it and there’s only like two pictures. there’s an album of engagement photos, matching striped shirts, poofy 90s hair and a walk in the woods. but i don’t know how my dad proposed, when he got the ring, why they had a civil wedding and then a temple wedding. it’s all very mysterious but it’s just coming to my mind that they probably don’t bring it up because it is painful. it’s a sad memory. i think they made a mistake in their youth and it was a rushed wedding. it’s just interesting to me that we don’t have any happy, fond memories of their early dating or wedding day. just secrets.

Jan 30, 2014

i ate a whole box of mac and cheese

but first i ate 2 toasted raisin bagels (yes 2 big bagels..) with butter. then I had 2 bowls of white angel hair pasta with olive oil, parmesan, s+p and garlic powder. then i had a whole blue box of Kraft mac and cheese. then i had some applesauce. a whole wheat peanut butter sandwich (2 pieces of bread, prob 3 TB pb) and then another small bowl of applesauce after i took some sicknast medicine for my cold that i’ve had since saturday after babysitting 3 kiddos in my ward.

Jan 27, 2014 / 1 note

Not happy

Today my best friend who’s at BYU Idaho texted she. She just had her first kiss last night and now they are boyfriend and girlfriend. I know the guy and he’s great. He’s funny and nice and very spiritual. A guy who was in my FHE group texted me today asked me how my break is going. He and I only ever talked when I asked him if he could drive me to Salt Lake. He did and so we talked the whole way down. We connected over Duck Dynasty and baking and talked about gay rights. I feel bad because he likes me and I can tell because he has texted me a few times over break. I just started crying today because I wish that the guys I actually do like and have crushes on would talk to me. I don’t like this guy at all. He’s a lot older than me too and he’s just not my type. 

My roommates have all the luck. One of them is dating someone, another one is talking to this really cute guy and apparently he was over at their apt last night, the other is waiting for a really good guy who is on his mission and another one has two guys that she is currently dating and she’s trying to pick between the two because they both want to marry her. And I have nobody not even any prospects. And I’m not at college right now either. And when I go back none of my roommates will be there. I’m so lonely. I don’t think I’ll ever get married.

Jan 27, 2014

I baked a cake then threw it away

I woke up today at like 11:30am. Then I ate a whole box of macaroni and cheese. Then I made a yellow cake mix bundt cake. Then I made a lemon glaze to go over it. Then I ate half the cake. Then threw the rest away. Then I cleaned all the bowls, mixing spoons, and measuring cups I used to clear any traces that I had baked today. I took the trash out so no one would see 1/2 a cake in there. I threw the cake away because I couldn’t eat the rest of it. And I didn’t want my family to see that I had indeed eaten already 1/2 of it.