this is so hard. really really hard. i have made the decision to stay home from BYU idaho for this semester. there’s a boy i met there. he was my home teacher. i have thought about him all break long. everyday. he just posted something on Facebook about going out to school next month and i just felt a pang of hurt. i am going to miss stadium singing, and stake choir practices and hot cocoa and the awkward but long conversations we would have. the random encounters in the library. man it hurts. my heart hurts. i really want to go back. but i’m doing this to save money so i can go on my mission and have money for school in the first place.
s looked so hot today smoking his cigarette. he is madly in love with me. i have kind of rejected him though. not because i’m not attracted to him, i am. but i’m protecting myself, i’m guarding my heart until i find the right man. and just because two people are attracted to each other doesn’t mean they should be in a relationship.
we are cleaning the house today. singing disney songs and cleaning. my brother just asked my mom, “when was the first time you kissed dad?” and my mom, flustered, said “i don’t know” and then got away. and i’m just realizing that the history of my parents is an absolute mystery to all five of us kids. we don’t know anything about their wedding, they never talk about it and there’s only like two pictures. there’s an album of engagement photos, matching striped shirts, poofy 90s hair and a walk in the woods. but i don’t know how my dad proposed, when he got the ring, why they had a civil wedding and then a temple wedding. it’s all very mysterious but it’s just coming to my mind that they probably don’t bring it up because it is painful. it’s a sad memory. i think they made a mistake in their youth and it was a rushed wedding. it’s just interesting to me that we don’t have any happy, fond memories of their early dating or wedding day. just secrets.
but first i ate 2 toasted raisin bagels (yes 2 big bagels..) with butter. then I had 2 bowls of white angel hair pasta with olive oil, parmesan, s+p and garlic powder. then i had a whole blue box of Kraft mac and cheese. then i had some applesauce. a whole wheat peanut butter sandwich (2 pieces of bread, prob 3 TB pb) and then another small bowl of applesauce after i took some sicknast medicine for my cold that i’ve had since saturday after babysitting 3 kiddos in my ward.
Today my best friend who’s at BYU Idaho texted she. She just had her first kiss last night and now they are boyfriend and girlfriend. I know the guy and he’s great. He’s funny and nice and very spiritual. A guy who was in my FHE group texted me today asked me how my break is going. He and I only ever talked when I asked him if he could drive me to Salt Lake. He did and so we talked the whole way down. We connected over Duck Dynasty and baking and talked about gay rights. I feel bad because he likes me and I can tell because he has texted me a few times over break. I just started crying today because I wish that the guys I actually do like and have crushes on would talk to me. I don’t like this guy at all. He’s a lot older than me too and he’s just not my type.
My roommates have all the luck. One of them is dating someone, another one is talking to this really cute guy and apparently he was over at their apt last night, the other is waiting for a really good guy who is on his mission and another one has two guys that she is currently dating and she’s trying to pick between the two because they both want to marry her. And I have nobody not even any prospects. And I’m not at college right now either. And when I go back none of my roommates will be there. I’m so lonely. I don’t think I’ll ever get married.
I woke up today at like 11:30am. Then I ate a whole box of macaroni and cheese. Then I made a yellow cake mix bundt cake. Then I made a lemon glaze to go over it. Then I ate half the cake. Then threw the rest away. Then I cleaned all the bowls, mixing spoons, and measuring cups I used to clear any traces that I had baked today. I took the trash out so no one would see 1/2 a cake in there. I threw the cake away because I couldn’t eat the rest of it. And I didn’t want my family to see that I had indeed eaten already 1/2 of it.